Being With a Dying Person
It’s natural to feel unsure—but your presence means more than you know.
When you learn that a friend or loved one is dying, it’s normal to feel unsure about what to do or say. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, making someone feel worse, or not knowing how to act.
At Hospicare, we understand these fears—and we want to reassure you: Your presence matters. Simply showing up, with kindness and compassion, is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
Here are a few thoughts from our staff to help guide you.
How to Be Supportive
Follow Their Lead
Let your loved one set the tone for your time together.
- If they want to talk about their illness, be a good listener.
- If they prefer to focus on everyday things, join them in those conversations.
- If emotions surface, it’s okay. Be present without trying to "fix" their feelings.
Respect Their Choices
The care decisions your loved one has made—along with their healthcare proxy—reflect their values and wishes. Even if you would have chosen differently, your role is to support and honor their choices.
Offer Specific Help
Offers of support are more helpful when they are clear and specific.
Instead of saying "Let me know if you need anything," try:
- “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?”
- “Would you like me to walk the dog tomorrow?”
- “Can I sit with your loved one while you take a break or run errands?”
- “I’m putting together a care package. What snacks or books would you like?”
Small, thoughtful actions can make a big difference.
Saying Goodbye
It can be hard to find the right words, but simple, heartfelt messages are powerful.
Palliative care physician Ira Byock identified four things people often need to say or hear at the end of life:
“Please forgive me.”
“I forgive you.”
“Thank you.”
“I love you.”
Don’t Wait for the “Right” Moment
There’s rarely a perfect time to say goodbye. Waiting too long can add stress. Start expressing your feelings early, and allow yourself to say what’s on your heart over time.
Keep Talking, Even if They Can’t Respond
Hearing is often the last sense to fade. Even if your loved one seems unresponsive, they may still hear you.
- Identify yourself when you enter the room.
- Speak gently and share messages of love, gratitude, or simply talk about familiar topics.
Presence Matters as Much as Words
You don’t have to fill the space with conversation. Just being there—holding a hand, reading aloud, sitting quietly—is powerful and comforting.
Goodbyes Can Be Simple
You don’t have to say everything at once. You might say:
“I love you. Sleep well.” Or simply offer a hug or hold a hand.
Touch and quiet companionship are beautiful ways to express your care.
Final Thought
You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be present.
Being with someone who is dying is a profound act of love. Trust that your presence, your words, and your care are exactly what your loved one needs.