The Conversation Your Family Will Thank You For
We save for rainy days and grow our retirement accounts. We buckle our seatbelts. We get our annual checkup. But there's one thing, something just as important, that we all keep putting off or try to avoid altogether: telling the people we love what we would want if we couldn't speak for ourselves.
It's called advance care planning, but despite the formal name, it's really just a matter of having conversation.
What is Advance Care Planning?
Advance care planning is the process of thinking through your wishes for medical care and making sure those wishes are documented and known before a health crisis. It typically involves two things: choosing a healthcare proxy (someone you trust to make decisions on your behalf) and completing an advance directive that spells out your wishes in writing.
Why People Avoid It
This isn't a fun topic to bring up over a family dinner, and the reasons are understandable. It feels morbid. There's never a good time. You figure you'll get to it eventually.
But when there's no plan in place, the people who love you most are left making impossible decisions under intense pressure. They may disagree with each other. They may spend days struggling in uncertainty. A conversation you have today, even an imperfect one, can spare them from that experience.
Before You Begin
Here are a few questions worth considering as you start thinking about your needs and wishes:
- Who would you trust to make medical decisions for you if you couldn't? This person should know you well, handle stress calmly, and be willing to advocate for what you want even when it's hard.
- What does quality of life mean to you? For some people, it means staying at home. For others, it means being free from pain. Many want both. There's no one right answer.
- What medical interventions do you want or do you not want? Naming them makes them easier to address and easier to translate into clear preferences for the people who may one day need to speak for you. For example, you might be okay with a feeding tube but not intubation. Or you may want a DNR order.
How to Get Started
Choose a quiet moment, not a holiday dinner or a moment of crisis. Let the people involved know you want to talk about something important. Write things down informally before completing any official documents. A letter to your healthcare proxy explaining your thinking is one of the most useful things you can give them.
New York State's Health Care Proxy form is free and doesn't require an attorney. It simply needs to be signed in front of two witnesses. And it's worth revisiting periodically. What you want at age 50 may be different from what you want at 70.
Hospicare Can Help
We offer community education programs that help people understand their options and start these conversations, whether or not you or someone you love is facing a diagnosis.
If you've been meaning to get around to this, consider this your nudge. The conversation is easier than you think. And the people who love you will be grateful you had it.
Visit our resourece to learn more about advance care planning and Hospicare's community education programs.